I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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