the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
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I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
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We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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