How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
