Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Randomize
