george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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