I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
