I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
