I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
