I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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