I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
