What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sext me about skeletons
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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