thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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