Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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