where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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