I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
