Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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