Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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