why didn't you poke me back
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
