and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
