my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
