I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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