Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
