ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
