My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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