Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
