The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
