I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
