Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
