i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
