the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
