Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
