I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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