im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
