Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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