she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
