At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
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you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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