remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
