Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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