Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges