Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
