Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Dicks are not precious.