the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card