I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.