Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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