My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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