wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
