if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
