If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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