I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
