The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
