I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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