Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
