Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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