Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
