how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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