if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
