nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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