I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
