I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
