i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
